The Second Fellowship
by The Skanking Hobbits
Summary: My first colab written with my friend ElectraFairford! Some minor characters from Lotr go to Elrond to demand larger roles only recieve some truly horrible news! G/H slash later! Raiting for language and drunkeness!
1. The New Fellowship

Hey and welcome to my first colab, written with my friend ElectraFairford. The summary should explain the basic point of this.secondary characters from LOTR demand to have their own grand adventure. Stupid humor and slash jokes, (via me) will be ever present in this, and some G/H slash later. Just to inform you.Deagol is alive for the purposes of this and Smeagol is separated from Gollum now which means they have *two separate* bodies! Oh and Dis is a dwarf. Um.Elvish speech is in ' ', and the setting is in Rivendell. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own any of this except for two very battered sets of Lord of the Rings books.  
  
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The elven paradise of Rivendell was very dreary on the chilly autumn morning when our story begins. The twin sons of lord Elrond stood at the edge of a balcony, watching seven figures approach.  
  
'Faramir has gotten them here on time,' murmured Elladan to his brother.  
  
'I always loved that human,' said Elrohir with a slight smile on his face.  
  
'Ewww!' yelled Elladan backing away.  
  
'Not like that!' cried Elrohir, disgusted that his brother could think of something so vile.  
  
'I apologize brother,' said Elladan gallantly. 'Come, let us go greet our fellow outcasts shall we?'  
  
'Of course,' said Elrohir in the same fashion. 'I could never be mad at you for long.'  
  
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"Thank you for coming here to help us with our campaign," said Elrohir passing lembras to the seated group which included; Faramir, Radagast, Bilbo, Glorfindel, Rosie Cotton, Dis, Deagol, and.Smeagol?  
  
"Wait a minute!' said Elladan. "Aren't you Gollum?"  
  
"That can't be Gollum!" remarked Elrohir. "Gollum is all.gross."  
  
"Aye indeed he is," said Smegol. "I was once him.or a part of him, until we decided to go our separate ways. It was all for the best. I couldn't put up with it any longer. You don't want to know what runs through that guys head."  
  
Everyone's face screwed up in disgust and Deagol clamped his hands over his mouth.  
  
"Right." said Elrohir. "So anyways.I have gathered you all here to discuss with my father, Lord Elrond about getting us bigger roles. I mean I just can't *stand* here and watch Aragorn get all the glory! Can you?"  
  
They all chorused, "No!"  
  
"Don't you want a chance to be recognized instead of being called, Boromir's brother or that freaky old hobbit who did the Gollum face?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Don't you want fan girls?"  
  
"Yes! More than anything!"  
  
"So what are we going to do about it?"  
  
"Wait, hold it!" shouted Rosie Cotton, standing on her chair so she could be seen. "Some of us aren't guy's you know!"  
  
"Sorry," muttered Elrohir. "Don't you want fan guys?"  
  
"Yes!" shouted Rosie.  
  
"Well then let's do something about it! To my father's office!"  
  
"To Lord Elrond's office!"  
  
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(In Lord Elrond's office.)  
  
Lord Elrond sat upon his throne, a piece of paper in his hand.  
  
'Oh my beloved,' he sobbed. 'I never even got the chance to say goodbye.' Tenderly he kissed the piece of paper, which bore a picture of the blonde prince of Mirkwood. 'I am going to miss you, especially.'  
  
'Um father,' said Elladan, from outside the door. He didn't want to hear anymore or he would retch in disgust 'Are you alright?'  
  
'Yes,' said Elrond, wiping away his tears. 'Come in my son.'  
  
But he was amazed when not only his two sons, but seven other people, representing various races of Middle Earth came in the door.  
  
'"To what do I owe this honor?" asked Elrond nervously.  
  
"We have come," said Faramir. "To ask a favor of you, my lord."  
  
"Oh," said Elrond, raising his eyebrows. "And what would that be?"  
  
"Bigger roles," all ten of them said together.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You herd us right," said Elrohir.  
  
"We are sick and tired of being forgotten," said Deagol.  
  
"Of seeing our brothers get all the glory."  
  
"Sitting at home knitting while our husbands go out and have grand adventures."  
  
Crickets could be heard chirping from outside the window.  
  
"What?" asked Rosie.  
  
Suddenly a lightbulb appeared above Elrond's head.  
  
"By the Valar." muttered Elladan. "What in the name of Mordor is that?"  
  
"I have an idea!" announced Elrond, and the nine huddled closer in. "How would you all like to go on a grand adventure?"  
  
Cheers where heard.  
  
"To where?" asked Faramir. "And to do what?"  
  
"To destroy the one ring."  
  
Silence was all that was heard now.  
  
"Yes," said Elrond gravely. "The Fellowship has failed."  
  
A/N: Take it away! 


	2. Bree

All right, now you have to read my first fanfic (also a collab with my friend Narchannen Fae).  
  
None of this belongs to me, of course.enjoy!  
  
The ten people in Elrond's office looked at him stunned. Rosie Cotton began to cry. Faramir looked stunned and upset. Everyone else looked ready to cheer.  
  
"What happened?" Elrohir asked.  
  
"Gollum got the ring somehow. We have it back now! So you get to go and get rid of it! Have fun!"  
  
"Shouldn't we have a long council first?" asked Bilbo, who had had some experience with such things.  
  
"Oh, do we have to? That's so. boring! Besides, you've already heard it all. Go ahead, I'm sure you'll be all right."  
  
With some confusion the new fellowship set out for their quest. Elrohir and Elladan, before setting out with the others, managed to procure some of Elrond's finest wines for their personal use. Very quickly, the entire group was quite drunk, and thus it is no surprise at all that they set off.due west.  
  
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The new fellowship, as they were starting to call themselves, were walking slowly along the Great East Road, vaguely wondering where all the alcohol had gone and why their heads hurt so much. It was about three weeks later and it was amazing that the alcohol had lasted that long, but now it was all gone. Elrohir stared soulfully down at the last, empty bottle. Glorfindel was singing loudly, the effects of his last drink apparently having not worn off yet.  
  
"Hit me, Haldir, one more time!" Glorfindel warbled off-key, then lapsed into silence. The others pretended not to have heard.  
  
"Isn't that," Radagast hiccupped, then tried again, "Isn't that Weathertop? I thought. I thought." he too lapsed into silence.  
  
"Oh, shut up, you! You wizards think you're so smart! Well you're not! And another thing! Another." Dis started thickly, then trailed off as her eyes crossed in thought. "Another thing! You stupid wizards think you're so smart, and you're, you're not! Hah! What do you think of that?" Radagast did not appear to hear her.  
  
"Love shack, Haldir, love shack!" Glorfindel began again, then stopped. The fellowship continued on, talking or singing at random intervals, along the road.  
  
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"Welcome to Bree, everyone!" Radagast announced with a grandiose gesture, barely missing hitting someone else in the head. It was mid-afternoon some weeks later; the new fellowship had sobered up and got through their hangovers. Now they were in Bree, though no one seemed to realize yet that they were going the wrong way. In any case none would turn back before getting some famous Bree beer.  
  
For that night they stopped at the Prancing Pony, trying to be inconspicuous just as the four hobbits of the real Fellowship did before them.  
  
"So I say that Peter Jackson can just get over himself, right? That stupid slut Arwen got my lines, my part, my everything! I just wanted to be loved, you know what I'm saying? I just wanted to be in the movie, and Peter Jackson wouldn't even give me that!  
  
"Ha! You think that's bad? No one even knows who I am! No one knows who Dis is! I'm just that old female dwarf that no one ever heard of before! I'm only mentioned because I happen to be someone's mother! No one cares about me!"  
  
"Who." Elrohir started, "Are you?" Dis started crying into her nearly empty mug.  
  
"At least you don't have a brother who's a big movie star now," Faramir said, still coherent despite the multiple empty mugs gathered in front of him. "It's not bad enough that my father always loved him best, and was going to make him Steward of Gondor when he died, but then he gets to go off on a quest to save the whole of Middle Earth! Does that sound fair?"  
  
"Shut up, at least you get a part in the movie. Our brother gets to be king, and we have to stay at home," Elladan said. Elrohir nodded agreement.  
  
"But now we have our own adventure, so be happy!" Radagast announced, swinging a nearly empty mug overhead, belching with professional skill and weaving back and forth.  
  
"Aragorn and Arwen, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes.somebody son of Aragorn son of Arathorn in the baby carriage!" Elrohir crowed randomly.  
  
Within a few hours the entire new fellowship was in bed in one of the rooms of the inn, snoring off the evening's alcohol.  
  
In the room next door, two ringwraiths in airport security outfits were conducting a random search, since the boss ordered a security crackdown since the ringwraiths lost the four hobbits of the original fellowship. They had installed a metal detector inside the door of the Prancing Pony, but since there was no electricity in Middle-Earth it was not working and failed to pick up the assorted swords and other weapons people carried. The ringwraith manning it had taken a beer break, so no one stopped the new fellowship. At the moment they were running random searches throughout the inn, frisking things (without power to their friskers) and stabbing their swords through random beds. All the horses in Bree were impounded during the night and sold at auction later.  
  
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The next morning the new fellowship woke up with horrible hangovers, which were quickly cured by the judicious application of alcohol. Somehow without being seen by the ringwraiths, despite being roaring drunk early in the morning, the new fellowship procured horses, a wagon, and several barrels of ale and set off along the road.  
  
  
  
Sorry it ends so quick folks, but now you get to read more by Narchannen Fae! Take it away! 


	3. The BarrowDowns

Hi everyone..waves to Little Rat who is the only one who has reviewed this! Glare But despite that we are coming up with ideas really fast so expect more chapters in the very near future! Um.there is something I need to explain before we get started. If a lightning bolt strikes a character it symbolizes that an idea *hit* him/her.literally. That may not make sense now but it will.so enjoy!  
  
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"Where are we?" grumbled Dis, as the new fellowship trudged up a large hill.  
  
"I am not quite sure," replied Radgast stroking his stroking his beard thoughtfully.  
  
"Then what are you good for?" shouted Elorhir, who was carrying a sleeping Bilbo. "These damn hobbits are to fat!"  
  
"I heard that!" cried Rosie.  
  
"Stop!" yelled Glorfindel, who was acting like his normal noble self, now that he had sobered up a bit.  
  
All nine of the others, (minus Bilbo who was sleeping) turned to look at the blonde elf.  
  
"Do any of you notice something strange?" he whispered dramatically, just as fog began to roll over the hilltop.  
  
There were loud noises and shouts as the fog washed over the new fellowship.  
  
"Ouch Elladan! That was my hair!"  
  
"Whoever is hanging on my waist please get off!"  
  
"Sorry, nervous habit."  
  
"Damn hobbits!"  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
"Remove your hands from the Horn of Gondor!"  
  
"I thought it was broken."  
  
"That's not what I'm talking about."  
  
"Oh..ewww!"  
  
"Quiet!" yelled Smeagol, who was getting really pissed off.  
  
But suddenly it *was* quiet, and a chill went down his spine.  
  
"Deagol my love!" he called, but there was no answer. "Damn wizard," he muttered as he peered into the gloom. "He led us right to the Barrow- Downs."  
  
"Smeagol." came a low raspy voice. "I am waiting for you.."  
  
"Ah!" Smeagol cried, running around in circles, his hands over his ears. "It's the ring again. That damn fucking ring! Make it go away! Ah!"  
  
"Well honestly! You are scared of a ring? What kind of silly hobbit are you?"  
  
Smeagol looked up to see the most horrible living.or maybe it was dead, he just couldn't make up his mind.creature he had ever seen!  
  
"Ah!" he screamed again. "It's the living dead! Kill it!"  
  
"Well that's rude," said the Barrow-wight, pushing his crown up further onto the decaying skin that was his forehead. "I find nine miserable creatures, and I don't run around killing them do I?"  
  
"Well." Smeagol began, but then a thunderbolt hit him, and he fell over, a shocked expression of realization on his face.  
  
"Takes care of my job," hissed the Barrow-wight evilly, as he deposited Smeagol next to the other nine members of the new fellowship, who were all clad in white.  
  
"Ten of them Bob!" called the Barrow-wight to his friend who handed him a mug of beer. "Ten I tell you, we made a good catch today."  
  
But he was interrupted by loud rap music rising over the hills.  
  
"That damn rap music!" cried the Barrow-wight, his crown falling over his eyes. "Not again!"  
  
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Hmmm.who is playing the rap music? That is for us to know and you to find out.in the next chapter! 


	4. Tom Bombadil

Ok, most of this was written to retain my sanity during a family vacation, so don't complain. Or if you feel like complaining, review, because we like flamers better than nothing at all. Very amusing, most of the time. Sorry I haven't written in so long; my muse was locked in my locker and couldn't get out. Not a very skilled lock-picker, my muse. And sorry to our loyal reviewer for the rap, not my fault.  
  
None of this belongs to me, of course, except the unfortunate movie person and the radio. And I'm not sure if the radio is mine anymore, cause Tom won't give it back. The point is, don't sue, cause I don't even have my radio anymore.  
  
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Tom Bombadil appeared over the hills, fiddling with a portable radio so that it wouldn't play rap any more. The barrow wights sighed in relief, then realized who it was and ran away. Tom noticed the ten people laid out on the hill and sighed.  
  
"You could've called me, stupid people! It would've saved me all the trouble of randomly appearing just in the nick of time," he mumbled to himself. "Really, the rhyme's not that hard to remember, it's." he trailed off, trying to remember it. "In any case, it's not hard." The second fellowship began to wake up slowly.  
  
"Wha...?" muttered Bilbo, sitting up slowly. The others mostly followed suit. Tom explained, then invited them to come to his house.  
  
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Tom sat his guests around his table. It had been a while since he'd had visitors. The last had been four hobbits, not long before. They'd gone on and apparently joined a group like this one. Their story was well known and he had been part of it. But then some man in strange clothes had come and told him that the fat innkeeper down the road could be in the movie but Tom Bombadil, beloved of all sane fans and a very important, mysterious person, couldn't. That man had met Old Man Willow. As far as Tom could tell, they liked each other's company. The man hadn't come back yet. And now he just sat around, saving stupid or hapless travelers that happened upon the Barrow-downs or the forest.  
  
"So why are you here?" he asked.  
  
"I thought you talked in rhyme," one of his guests said.  
  
Tom shrugged. "Promotional stunt. I can't really be bothered. I can't sing well either. I can lip-sync, though."  
  
"We're on a quest," one of his guests announced.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"We wanted bigger parts."  
  
"Really?" Tom was interested; he always wanted a bigger part.  
  
"So when the old Fellowship died, we were asked to go on our own quest to save Middle-Earth."  
  
"Ooh, ooh, can I come?" he asked.  
  
"No! We've already got ten people. That's -" the guest's eyes crossed in concentration, "one more than the original Fellowship already!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"Besides, you don't need a bigger part. All the fans love you."  
  
"And you don't need rabid fan.people; you've got Goldberry," pointed out a female hobbit.  
  
"Oh, she left me for some big Hollywood star. Seems I'm not good enough for her or Hollywood."  
  
"Aw, let him come," an elf said.  
  
"Can we keep him?" his identical twin asked the party's wizard.  
  
"No, he can't come."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Pretty please with cherries on top?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"But some of you don't need this. Faramir has a part in the movie. So does Bilbo. I recognize you two; you're big movie stars now. Bilbo has his own book. And Faramir has rabid fan girls (A/N: Named Narchannen Fae) already!"  
  
"You know, he has a point," the wizard said, looking up.  
  
"Who are you talking to?" someone asked.  
  
"The Author."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Um, haha, well, um, yeah. Bye!" said The Author, and stopped writing. Everyone froze in mid-confused, stupid look. Then The Author came back with a really good explanation, told everyone, and picked up the story.  
  
"So that's why you can't come," said the wizard smugly.  
  
So Tom agreed and gave them food, drinks, directions, and a lift back to the edge of his territory. And then he went back to sit next to Old Man Willow and listen to him digest his meal. The movie man was nowhere in sight. Tom shrugged, figuring the movie man had got tired or hungry and wandered off. He patted Old Man Willow's trunk.  
  
"Good boy," he said.  
  
TBC. 


End file.
